A detailed analysis of all of Rory Gilmore's hairstyles in Gilmore Girls
I spend a lot of time thinking about Gilmore Girls. What was Michele's sexuality? Why did Lorelai wear red trousers? What ever happened to Mr Kim? Did Rory look better with bangs, or without?
Part of me understands that these questions should probably be left in the past, and not continue to dominate the bits of my brain that could be otherwise occupied (climate change, Brexit, whether mashed potatoes or hash browns are my favourite way to eat potatoes).
But the other part of me knows that Gilmore Girls is COMING BACK. SOON. And that I am therefore entirely justified in my obsession with a return to the hollow full of stars.
With that in mind, therefore, let us free our minds of current political woes, and discuss, instead, the hairs upon RoGi's head. It's going to be a wild ride.
Baby Rory Hair
For series one and two and three and maybe four anyway it was ages, Rory had the hair of girl-next-door dreams: thick, straight, shiny and long, like the mane of a pony with really good grades. Like someone who gets dressed by birds in the morning. Like someone who belongs on the top of a Christmas tree. Like an Icecream Queen (if you don't recognise every single one of those references, you're not allowed to keep reading).
She was just so fresh-faced and pink-cheeked and blue-eyed, her hair didn't really need to do anything but hang there and draw attention ("like a giant neon arrow") to the apples of those cheeks.
This is classic, boiler-plate, go-to Rory hair, and we kind of love it. When you are as follically-blessed as this, you just let it be. Shampoo, condition, regular trims. Yes, it's boring. But sometimes boring works.
Wet Rory Hair
This has been included as more of an excuse to talk about Jess than any actual hair analysis, since Officially No One looks good if they've been drenched in a sudden sprinkler onslaught.
But just take a minute to remember how he ran to her aid, and then turned it back on when he heard that Dean was coming. He loved her. HE LOVED HER SO MUCH. And look into her eyes. That's love, radiant blue love. If they don't get together in the reboot I am giving up. On everything.
Dean Rory Hair
Nothing much happened to that thick, ridiculous hair for bloody ages. Why did she never henna her hair? Never indulge in stripy Spice Girls highlights? We may never know. It might be because she's boring. But then! With no notice! Without even telling Lorelai! Bob.
A bob happened to Rory, and I would argue that that was an even worse moment in her life than when the New York Times said "no thank you, you are far too boring". Worse than when Paris outed her as a virgin on C-Span (I still don't know what C Span is, it might be Sea Span, or See Span, I literally don't know or care). Worse than when she spent a night in jail.
Even if you like bobs objectively, you have to acknowledge that this is Not Good For Her Face. In the picture above, she looks like a soccer Mum. She looks like a bit-part Desperate housewife. She looks like she is trying to become Dean. No Rory. Put down the scissors. Unless you are going to use them to stick Dean in the back. In that case, more power to you.
Out-Growing-Dean Rory Hair
At this moment in time, Rory is still having awkward sex with loser Dean in a car parked in a forest, which is to say: she is still making bad decisions.
Those bad decisions include this hair, which I am not going to excuse even though she just spent a night in a tent after being (consensually) kidnapped. Logan's face says it all.
It says, "Are you a seven year old going to a sleepover?". It says, "Why does it curl under like that? Is it trying to escape itself?" It says, "When you are my girlfriend, little girl, you will grow your hair long and thick again because I said so, just like I will also change everything about you and manipulate you and cheat on you, oh my, the times we will have, now JUMP."
Logan Rory Hair
Whether or not this hair is the result of manipulation and general White Boy Cruelty (yes), I believe we can all agree that she looks beautiful. At the same time as somehow convincing her poker-straight hair to hang in loose, lustrous curls, she has also ditched the ashy-brown hue and tinted it with some sort of chestnut magic, all of which combines to make this Peak Rory Hair.
She's also way ahead of her time, in that she is totally rocking the gringe (if you don't know what that is then I'm not going to tell you, because I'm embarrassed that I know), a look that gives her a whispy, waifish, windblown charm, and damned if I'm not completely charmed. She basically looks like Kate Middleton, if Kate Middleton was allowed to wear more interesting makeup and look seductively sidelong at boys with hair, and I'm fully supportive of everything that is happening here. Except for the cork in the wine bottle, please, as if Logan ever left a vessel unfinished.
D.A.R (N) Rory Hair
Just in case you thought there was no occasion upon which Rory could look unattractive, here it is. I actually like a be-ponytailed Rory on occasion, but not, I repeat NOT, when it's coupled with pearl earrings (does the pearl council know about you?!), a cashmere sweater and that fringe of nightmares.
I can only assume she is looking in a mirror, since her facial expression is speaking volumes. "Didn't Chad Michael Murray fall for me? Aren't I suppose to be pretty? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY MOUTH?"
Obama Rory Hair
She has both been caught unawares and all in a rainstorm, so I will excuse the lack of volume and general straggliness of this look. Actually, no I will not. WTF Rory. This is your last episode, and you're going to leave us with an impression of limp, lack-lustre locks. No wonder Obama didn't get elected, if that's the kind of effort you're putting in (shhh).
BONUS RORY HAIR
Reboot Rory Hair
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT we were all out of Rory hair to review, out come the reboot pics, and in comes our ability to see how Rory's tresses are ageing.
The verdict: badly. As Emily Gilmore would say, Rory's hair appears to be leaving in a no man's land of "I have no idea what I'm doing". It is of a nondescript length, and an un-enhanced colour. It is tucked behind her ears as if she is 16 years old again and meeting Dean for the first time.
We expected more from Returning Rory, so hopefully this is not the end of her hair evolution. It had so much potential. No one wants Charmander once they've had Charizard. Try harder.
Real-life Rory Hair
Just a reminder that Alexis Bledel is a real person, and that she's way better at doing her hair than whoever is responsible for the Gilmore Girls shamble. Those bitsy, choppy short bangs. The caramel highlights. THIS is how to wear a bob. Alexis, you are glorious.
SO: which Rory hair was the best? Are we in agreement? Or are you wrong. We both know the answer.